How an offhand comment can trigger a depressive episode

I had a low day on Friday. I’ve had a persistent headache and fatigue for a few months now and a head cold on Friday brought out the worse of it. I’ve lived with depression for eight years now so I know when to have a day off to take it easy. Friday started with a 2 hour struggle to get out of bed. It was one of those days.

When I’m in these low moods my obsessive nature and harsh internal self critic can get completely hooked on little comments that people make. This blog is a reflection on this internal thought process to help you understand what might be going through a depressed person’s head.

The comment

In conversation someone mentioned something about, “… being a big girl”, it was related to me being able to look after myself. I responded with “I use to be a lot bigger” and someone else in the conversation added, “keep away from the pork and you’ll stay that way”. In the moment I didn’t think anything of it. But my obsessive nature got hooked and over the afternoon I couldn’t let it go.

The obsession

I became completely obsessed over everything I had eaten recently infront of said company. I replayed the dinner we had recently over and over and over in my head. I counted every calorie, it came out to about 2000KJ and 10gm of protein. Then my internal harsh critic got on board. It starting saying to me, “you are fat, lazy good for nothing, completely worthless, you should just curl up and die”. So now there was a battle going on in my head, the obsessor just going over and over and the critic telling me I’m worthless. Normally these thoughts aren’t that loud but they get overwhelming on low days.

My obsessor wanted to figure out how to write a response to those comments. This blog post is an attempt at pleasing the obsessor because I am still thinking about it after 4 days.

Good intentions

I know those comments come from good intentions, people say these things because they care. The only nutritional goals I stick too (under the advice of my weight loss clinics nutritionist) is to get 60gm of protein a day and to take my daily multivitamin. I’ve had a lifetime of people commenting on my weight. I thought I had developed a thick skin for it, obviously I hadn’t. Or maybe it just hurts more the closer to home it is?

Self Compassion

I’m at a stage now where I can try to practice self compassion (I try but it’s hard). I would catch these thoughts and tell myself, “that’s not a very nice thing to say Sam, you are one of most proactive people I know. You are so far from lazy and worthless it isn’t funny. Look, you even had lunch with someone who thanked you for your help with their CV recently and they are starting a new job soon because of you. Remember that Buddhist monk on youtube? Try and practice letting go.” Here is the youtube video I was thinking of:

How to be supportive

If someone has opened up about their mental health and they raise something like this with you, please don’t feel like you need to censor yourself. That is stressful and not healthy. Often when these things come up for me, I never raise them with the person who caused the trigger because I know deep down it’s just my mind overreacting. So being open and empathetic if someone does raise this is all I ask for.

Please be mindful of how your words can hurt. It reminds me of the common rhyme about sticks and stones I was told about as a kid. Here’s my new version:

Sticks and stones may break my bones 

But harsh words from a loved one

Can make me wish I was dead

I’m grateful I’ve never been suicidal but I still live with this kind of depression on a fairly regular basis. My partner has probably seen me go through about 4 or 5 episodes now over a 2 year period.

I’m grateful I can be this open about this huge cause of internal stress. A lot of people who struggle with similar things aren’t as blunt as I am and keep the struggle to themselves.

Broken Ankle update

I broke my ankle just over 3 months ago now. It happened early December while indoor rock climbing (I fell off a wall). I’m recovering slowly and it’s nice to see the healing progress. It’s still really slow though. Before you ask about belay’s and harnesses, I was bouldering (so there weren’t any harnesses/belay’s) and instead of landing on the mat my ankle slipped between the wall and the mat. It was a freak of an accident and if I had fallen straight down it wouldn’t have happened. It’s only cause I swung out to try and reach for a hold, missed it and swung back in towards the wall.

My break was pretty bad. On the spectrum of ankle injuries; 1 = sprained ankle and 10 = complete ankle reconstruction I was about an 8 out of 10. It was a high impact fall, shattered my Fibula into 4 tiny pieces and dislocated my ankle. I had a plate, a dozen screws and 2 bolts in my ankle. I’ve had 3 surgeries so far. 2 in the first week in hospital, then 1 at the 12 week mark to remove the two bolts and to insert an artificial ligament so I could start walking again.

If you sprain your ankle, you might be advised to spend 2 weeks on crutches, then there’s a single break where you might just be put in a cast for 6 weeks and then there’s my accident. 12 weeks of no walking/weight bearing. I’ve read a few other blogs of other ankle injuries and it seems the average is around 6-8 weeks of no walking.

Phase 1: The no walking phase

I was getting around on a knee scooter for 12 weeks, the first couple of weeks were hard. I had my mobility taken away in an instant. It’s an easy thing to take for granted until you don’t have it anymore. There was also a reasonable amount of pain, throbbing and swelling. Also just always being tired (sleep is really good for healing though). I’m grateful that I had the support of family. My partner’s parents offered me their spare room while I recovered and my partner’s mum is a nurse. It was a great convenience and an offer I took them up on.

I’m also grateful for the public transport in Sydney, I was limited to the wheel chair options for transport. Sure it’s not perfect but I was able to get around on bus, light rail, ferry and train. It was pretty amazing. When you rock up at a train station you let one of the staff members know where you are going and they will pull out the ramp to let you on the train, they will also phone the station ahead to make sure someone is there with a ramp when you get off. So not every train station has staff 24/7 or has lift access but it’s still great to be able to have this as an option for getting around. The first time I took a bus on my own with my knee scooter I was just so nervous, I think I had a mobility induced anxiety attack. I had the same sensation getting on a packed light rail during peak hour. I got quite emotional (in a good way) when I actually got on the bus for the first time.

The first time I got in the pool I cried with happy emotions, it was great to feel more mobile. Not being able to carry almost anything sucks, everything requires just a little more planning and often it’s easier to go, “F%#k that” and not bother. Don’t bother about doing your choirs, grocery shopping will be hard. Even sitting in the kitchen with a cup of freshly made coffee will feel like the biggest achievement.

There were great highs and great lows. This phase has given me empathy for accessibility users of public transport and no envy of people who suffer from bi polar. Sure some of those highs felt great but I wouldn’t want anyone to go through the lows like I went through just to experience those highs. By the end of this phase I had gotten quite efficient with the knee scooter, I could role down the street at a reasonable pace.

Phase 2: The walking with assistance phase

After a few hours of getting out of surgery I was able to use an a walking frame thing to go to the toilet, it hurt a lot but it felt amazing to be walking again. The next morning I was walking in a moon boot around the ward unassisted by crutches/frame. I even went to minigolf that day. It was quite tiring though. Over the next 3 weeks I progressed from walking slowly with a cane and moon boot to being able to walk short distances around the house without aids. The first time I tried walking from home to the train station was complete torture though. The walk usually takes around 10 minutes. I was getting to a point on the knee scooter where I could get it done in roughly 10 minutes. The first time without the knee scooter it took me 40 minutes and every step was torture. It was slow going. Luckily I had the option of staying with my uncle’s while I recovered during this phase. I missed the knee scooter but I knew I couldn’t go back to it. They live a lot closer to a train station (just 2 minutes according to google maps). They also have a heated indoor pool which was amazing for recovery. I tried not to have unrealistic expectations during this phase but it still hit me like a brick wall. It was an adjustment going from the knee scooter to very very slow walking. It has been nice to see the progress but I somewhat thought it would be a little quicker.

Phase 3: Walking without mobility aids

Yesterday was the first day I walked to work without any aids, no moon boot and no cane and over 12,000 steps in one day. I’ll start proper physio in a few weeks to help build up strength and mobility back into the ankle and calf. I still can’t do a single leg calf raise on the bad leg, that’s how much strength I’ve lost in it. Walking is a little slow/tight but at least it doesn’t feel painful enough to want to take too many mild painkillers. I’m actually feeling a little tired/over it today but the feeling will pass. I’m constantly testing where the boundary is with the ankle and pushing a little out of my comfort zone.

Phase 4: back to “normal”?

The next phase should be, it feels mostly normal now. Where the idea of running/climbing/jumping don’t feel me with dread. I’m looking forward to getting back into an exercise routine because not exercising has really sucked. This broken ankle has had a huge impact on my mental health which was to be expected but I didn’t realize how much it would. I’m almost at the 16 weeks since the accident. It might take over 6 months to get back to a “normal” state. We will see but I’ll keep you posted.

Broken ankle’s impact on a broken mind

Nearly two weeks ago I broke my ankle. I had a fall while indoor rock climbing (bouldering). There are no harnesses; bouldering is just climbing up to about 2 metres and there’s lots of soft mats to fall onto. I was climbing over a corner, reaching for the last hold and I didn’t quite have the reach. I feel on top of the cover between the soft mats and wall and my ankle slipped under the wall. I dislocated and shattered my ankle into 4 pieces. ouch.

broken ankle, x-ray and cast

I spent a week in hospital, had 2 surgeries, there’s now a plate and about a dozen bolts now in my leg. It now looks like there’s a tooth brush in there. I’ll be in a cast for 12 weeks and I’ll need to have day surgery again to remove the big giant bolt running through my ankle before I can bear weight on it again. I have to figure out if my super hero name should be cyborg sam or titanium sam?

xray of plate and bolts after the first surgery

I’m now mostly getting around on crutches and a knee walker.

sammy on a knee walker in a red lady bug dress from review

Now that I’ve told you the story of how I broke my ankle, I also want to tell you how it’s impacted my broken mind. This has been stressful. If you’ve read my other posts you would know that I’m also looking for a job and I haven’t had much luck there yet (another stressor). I have at least 3 stories about my mental health to share with you.

My first story; So I was rushed through emergency and had surgery within 24 hours of the accident. The accident occurred on a Saturday. The first day in hospital was hard, I couldn’t sleep well after the surgery and I broke down into tears a few times. Hospitals are noisy and the pain/discomfort makes it really hard to sleep. Nothing out of the ordinary and it’s to be expected. The physio had cleared me to leave on Tuesday but no doctor came to give me the all clear. Turns out the doctor wanted to do a second surgery on Thursday. Coming out of Surgery Thursday evening was hard, probably my hardest day. I couldn’t sleep. I was just starting to get use to sleeping with it before the second surgery, I didn’t realize how much healing had occurred in just a few days. And then I was back to square one. I had a lack of sleep induced depressive episode Friday night. It was the worse episode I’ve had in a long time. One of my triggers; from about 5-6 pm Friday evening I was trying to request a sleeping pill to help that night. The nurses changed shifts and at around 10:30 pm the nurse told me the doctor couldn’t be bothered filling in a script for 1 night. That rejection hit me like a brick wall, it was the last straw that put me over the edge and I fell into a downward spiral of depression. I was probably in this state for around 30 minutes, tears rolling down my face and thoughts of, “I’m broken, I’m just so tired, etc” rolling through my mind. One of the thoughts that kept me in this spiral was just realizing the fact I was having a depressive episode. Go figure. It was actually an interesting experience from a mindfulness point of view. What got me out of it was realizing that I needed to call the nurse and try to push for that sleeping pill again. That thought had to come along a few times before it helped me get out of that cycle. I didn’t actually call the nurse a second time but had managed to fall asleep for a few hours before someone’s machine started beeping at 1:30am, I asked the nurse for some endone and the warn fuzzies from that was enough to help me sleep until the early morning.

My second story involves my job hunting efforts. While in hospital I had to cancel/postpone a few leads in regards to job hunting. I had 3 interviews scheduled for that week. 1 I withdrew my interest because I wasn’t that excited about the company. 1 I was able to move to a skype interview. I had a skype interview on Wednesday in my hospital gown while laying in bed; hospital equipment in the background. I even put on my suit jacket to smarten up the hospital gown. Unfortunately I found out I was unsuccessful with this interview, I mentioned my perfect role would be more like a quality coach role and apparently that turned them off. I rescheduled one interview for today at 1pm. Fingers crossed this goes well because it’s the last interview I have booked with 13 companies so far. Nothing else has turned up a promising job offer yet. So on top of feeling broken physically I feel constantly bombarded with these messages of rejection due to job hunting efforts. It’s taking a toll on me.

My third story happened just this morning. Since I got out of hospital I had been hanging out at my partner’s parents place. They offered me their spare room while I recover and my partner’s mum is a nurse. It seemed convenient and I took them up on their offer. Last night I went to my uncle’s for the first time since getting out of hospital. I couldn’t really sleep very well last night because I’m starting to get stressed about my job hunting efforts. My uncle’s live in Edgecliff so it appears more convenient than Gladesville where my partner’s parents live. However Edgecliff is hillier; it was a challenge getting down the driveway this morning on my walker. It’s not something I want to do every day. So I get to Edgecliff shopping centre and wait around to get some blood tests done for my weight loss surgery catch up next week. After this I go to head down to the station platform. Turns out Edgecliff doesn’t have a lift down to the platform. This hit me more than I expected. I needed to go to the toilet to have a little teary. I think I’m over it now and it wasn’t a full on depressive episode but that little reminder of how broken I feel hurt. I couldn’t even get up to the buses to get into the city. I ended up getting an uber. So I probably won’t be staying at my uncle’s while I recover which is a shame. It’s just too hard.

I have some other stories; adventures with wheel chair accessible buses, financial stresses due to this accident, healing and fatigues impact on my mental health and the differences between having a physical injury vs mental injury but I’ll leave these for another time as I have to leave this cafe soon.

Have you ever had an injury that impacted your mental health? My sciatic nerve injury 2 years ago had a similar impact on my mental state too.

Hackathon Fatigue

I’m currently participating in GovHack 2017 at the Sydney location (add a 2017 year in review link like this 2016 one when available). It’s the first hackathon I’ve attended this year. When I first moved to Sydney 4 years ago I participated in 4-5 hackathons the first year and it’s slowly died down since then. Even though I love the atmosphere, the community and the collaboration during hackathons; I am suffering from hackathon fatigue.

Last year at GovHack 2016 I tried to participate. I turned up to the opening evening but was struggling mentally. I was going through a relapse of depression and I could not hold it together enough to participate. Reflecting on this, I’d always walk away from a hackathon mentally exhausted and last year I was overwhelmed with the thought of “I can’t handle this stimulation right now”. Going back to work on the Monday after a hackathon always felt hard and would trigger an existential crisis week that involved continuous thoughts of, “fuck I’m tired”. It’s the combination of socialising with all of these new people, trying to frantically work on an idea and eating food that I wouldn’t normally eat that really throws out my routine/mood. I often turn up to work on Monday after a hackathon not rested and with a complaining digestive system. This is my first hackathon since my weight loss surgery which has put a control on the amount of crap that I can eat but I’ve still turned up to last day of the hackathon feeling exhausted. I’m all hackathoned out and I do not have the motivation to submit a story.

Do you suffer from Hackathon fatigue? How do you overcome it?

Most. Stressful. Day.

Let me tell you a story about a stressful day that I had today. I think it’s the most stressed I’ve ever felt. This story actually started a few weeks ago. I was riding my motorbike from Sydney to Cairns. I get up there with no problems. On the way back on Friday the 30th of September I stop in the Gold Coast for a few days to catch up with my siblings for my brothers belated 18th birthday celebrations. I found a nice Airbnb in Miami, I got to my Airbnb half an hour early and I decide to go for a quick swim before checking in. By the time I get back to my bike, I can’t find my key  and I discover I’ve got a flat tire.

Panic starts to set in. I backtrack my steps but I can’t find it. I think someone stole my key from my jeans while I went for a quick swim.  I ask the local pub and surf club if anyone has turned in a key. No luck. I leave my contact details in case it turns up.  I then report it to the police.  I tried calling a few locksmiths but because it was a long weekend and they couldn’t help me until the Tuesday. I needed to be in Melbourne by Tuesday for a conference.

I end up deciding to tow my bike to the airport and park it there for a fortnight and come back later with my spare key. The tow truck guy was at least able to fill up the tire before dropping it off. I was hoping it was just a leaky valve because I couldn’t find a puncture.  At least I got to spend an extra day on the Gold Coast.

Now this is where my stressful day starts.  Before flying to the Gold Coast today I had a pretty tough conversation at work that left me in tears for quite sometime, so I was already emotionally worked up.  I get to the Gold Coast airport and I start walking in the wrong direction for the parking.  I call the parking guy and it turns out my tire is still flat and there’s a guy in a shuttle bus waiting to take me to the parking.  Here starts my second wave of uncontrollable tears.  I eventually get to my bike and the shuttle bus driver was really helpful, he was trying to offer suggestions and what not. I decide to wheel my bike out and have a shot at some roadside assistance.  I give my insurance a call and it turns out, I’m not covered. I start crying on the phone. The insurance lady was lovely she offered to help me with Googling businesses  and what not but it was something I was able to do with my phone and most of the local businesses would be shut anyway, this was around 5pm Queensland time and 6pm New South Wales time.

I’m feeling lost and stranded in the Gold Coast. I panic and I end up giving a random Tinder Gold Coast guy a call that I had gone on one date with 2 weeks ago when I was last in the Gold Coast. I then start googling some near by motorbike repair stores and trying any number I can get my hands on. No luck. Then I hear another motorbike startup, turns out the workshop next to the parking was still open and a guy was starting up his dirt bike. He gives me a bit of air and we discover a puncture. It’s leaking air. I had enough air to ride it to the nearest motorbike store, the store opens at 8:30 tomorrow morning and I hope they can help me. I’ve checked into a motel in Tweed Heads and at least I’ll try to sort something out tomorrow. I know I had family that I could have called but I was already a blubbering mess and I really don’t like crying in front of people, especially people I know.

I guess I have another travel story to share now, this one isn’t that pleasant though.

Mental Health Strategy

I need to improve my mental and physical health. I have gained over 20kg in the last 18 months. I feel like all of the hard work that I put in when I first moved to Sydney has been undone. I often feel fat, lazy and out of control with my behaviour. I feel like my home life reflects those bad thoughts back onto me. I know these are irrational feelings, I’m hardly lazy. Lazy people don’t involved with their communities but I still feel these feelings.

Back to the strategy, I think a core part of a strategy is a purpose (it has to achieve something), a distinct measurable goal (to know when we’ve achieved something), a plan of what to do which includes tactics/approaches in how we will achieve our purpose.

Purpose

Improve my mental and physical well-being

Measurements

  • Not feeling like I’m having a mental breakdown during an emotional time of the month
  • No more weight gain

Tactics

  • Change my home environment to encourage incidental exercise (move closer to work)
  • Get back onto a soylent diet (this should help both diet and financial as I’ll reduce my impulse food spendings)

Here is a diagram that might help communicate part of what bothers me:

Mental Health Strategy (1)

I’m starting my strategy off small, make it achievable. Then reassess and reiterate in a few weeks to see if I’m improving.

My Cycle of Misery

I had a depressive episode today, thankfully it only lasted an hour or so. When my depression has been at its worst, a depressive episode could last all day and sometimes not involve a trigger. My episodes usually involve me uncontrollably breaking down into tears and I will cycle back into tears when the bad thoughts roll back in.

What triggered my episode? I went to see a weight lost specialist for an initial consultant and there was a weigh in. I now weigh as much as I did before I moved to Sydney; 125 kg (much sadness).

I didn’t break down during the appointment, I started breaking down while trying to sort out payment with the receptionist. While standing in front of the receptionist the bad thoughts were starting to cycle through my mind. I managed to get to the bathroom before breaking down completely. I felt like all of the hard work that I put in is now all undone, I can’t believe I put all of the weight back on that quickly. I felt ashamed, worthless and fat. I can tell you that some of my thoughts were harsh; too harsh for me to write down.

I managed to pull myself together enough to send an email to work saying that I’d be taking the afternoon off work, exited the building and got on a bus home. I still experienced waves of tears while sitting on the bus but it was dying down. So instead of buying a tub of icecream and wallowing in self pity, I started thinking about this blog post and my cycle of misery.

There seems to be three major things that; when combined create a misery cycle that is hard for me to brake out of. They are; poor mental health, poor physical health and poor financial wellbeing. I feel like I don’t have enough control to keep one in check, let alone all three. If I try to tackle all three, I get overwhelmed and disappointed when I don’t meet the goals that I’ve set myself. I stopped seeing a personal trainer because I thought I was in a good exercise routine and I felt like I should next tackle my finances, then life happened and a mild relapse of depression occurred. Life has a tendency to ruin my well thought out plans ;).

I know how to fix these issues and I know they shouldn’t be that difficult. It’s just about making the right choices, right? However, I can tell you with first hand experience that while going through depression my capacity to make good choices is greatly diminished, instead the impulsive/short term rewards part of my brain gets a bit more freedom. This part of my brain loves to eat food, spend money and not exercise. It doesn’t help that our society is geared towards high availability of food and getting us to spend money.

over eating, not exercising, spending money

I know weight loss surgery is extreme and I feel like it’s cheating. However I’m considering it because it is a control that I can put in place to help me curb my over eating and over spending. Maybe it can stop me from falling back into bad habits when life happens?

my mindfulness stuff

I gave a short 5 minute talk about my depression in front of my whole company 2 weeks ago. I’ll take this opportunity to share what helps me try to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness and cognitive behavioural therapy is part of my treatment. It might not necessarily work for you but I think seeking professional help is a good step.

I try to meditate for 10 minutes a day at least 3 times a week. It’s small achievable goal for me that doesn’t make me feel overwhelmed and I don’t beat myself up over it if I don’t achieve it. The beating myself over it is something that I’ve had to unlearn. During this mindfulness session I try to focus on my breathing, the sensations around my nose and lungs, I might focus on my senses or focus on other parts of body.

I try to be mindful when having my morning cup of coffee, I find short black coffees help encourage this. I can explore the flavours, move the coffee around my mouth and explore different sensations, what is the after taste like? what does the crema look like? how does it smell? What type of roast do I think the beans are? These are all things I can explore with my coffee.

I have also been wearing a spire for nearly 3 months. The spire is a piece of wearable tech that monitors my breathing and is connected via bluetooth with my phone. It tells me when I’m being calm, focused, stressed or active.

Here are some screen shots of the app and an image of the device:

More info https://www.spire.io/

Have you noticed the mindful colouring books that seem to be popping up every where? I thought I would buy one and see what my spire would record while I coloured. It measured a calm streak while I coloured. The colouring book that I bought was a game of thrones themed book at least, I didn’t really like all of the over promising of the mindfulness colouring books.

I enjoyed Ruby Wax’s talk on Mindfulness

So if something might help people be more calm and mindful in their day to day life, why not give it a shot? Is there anything you try to keep mindful?

 

My Perpetual incomplete list of things to do

mental heI have this perpetual list of incomplete stuff to do in my head and it constantly makes me feel like a failure. It makes it hard to acknowledge achievements when it feels like a never ending list. When I’m going through bouts of depression this list gets overwhelming. Here’s an example of stuff that’s been on my list today:

I’m feeling pretty well prepared for this, I’ve organised speakers, co partnership, catering, drinks, air conditioning, volunteers to help out on the day. This event sold out in less than 24 hours.
Stuff that I have left to do for this event; prepare introductions, email speakers a run sheet, call livelo to ensure they received the second payment from our co-partner and are still right for the order, make sure I have a clear idea of needs to happen tomorrow. I’m feeling really good about this, I haven’t phoned livelo yet and the critical part of mind is swearing in my mind about this.

Everything else on this list makes me go, “fuck, I haven’t done that yet”.

  • Testers parade article due about Tyro’s robotics challenge at the end of the month. Fuck, I’ve been procrastinating about this.
  • Tax return, need to call old workplace first to get group certificate
  • Add someone to my house lease, get a spare key
  • Call up GP to forward the mental health plan to my psychologist
  • Do health fund claims (psychology and dental)
  • Order a crash protectors and a travel bag for my motorbike, arrange time to get the parts put on it
  • Cancel gym membership
  • book push bike in for a service, back wheel is loose. Thinking about my bike, I need to pick it up from the supermarket
  • Need to get a vacuum cleaner
  • Finish reading user story mapping (I need to prepare a tech talk for work for it)
  • go to the GP and discuss lapband, get a referral to a specialist

 

On top of that there are a bunch of daily goals that I don’t always meet that has the potential to make me feel like a failure:

  • Brush my teeth (I have invisalign and I’m meant to brush after every meal before putting them back in, pfft)
  • Practice mindfulness (Start Journals/blogs/start externalizing my mental list)
  • Be disciplined in getting enough sleep
  • Physio stretches
  • Cook
  • House work

 

There are a list of goals that I would like to achieve but often don’t:

  • save money (my lack of financial wellbeing stresses me out, I hate it that money has such a large impact on my mood)
  • book physio/message therapy/osteo
  • Try not to overeat/eat junk food
  • Exercise
  • Catch up on and reply to messages (facebook, twitter, linked in, email etc)

 

There is a list of many things I would love to do:

  • Start a garden
  • Go low tech (ditch my smart phone for a dumb phone)
  • Play more with electronics and robotics
  • Do work for allergy rader (an app idea I’ve been working on)
  • Learn more
  • Read more
  • Join a band/practice my trombone
  • practice my Japanese
  • Learn how to sew
  • Get a full back tattoo
  • Learn how to brew beer
  • Learn how to brine and smoke food

 

Some things that I have done today that I should be proud of:

  • Had appointment with psychologist
  • Bought my dad a birthday and father’s day gift and posted it (this was 3 weeks overdue)
  • Did the laundry
  • Cooked breakfast
  • Went to the supermarket
  • Cooked dinner
  • Cycled to and from the train station
  • Practiced mindfulness
  • researched balcony gardening
  • fantasized about building a self sustainable community
  • Wrote this blog post

I had a pang of feeling like a failure today, facebook moments reminded me that this time last year I had done a 40km cycle all around Sydney and I was training for the spring cycle. It reminded me of how much I’ve let my exercise routine slip. I’m tearing up just thinking about it now. Good thing it only lasted 5 minutes but that feeling did come and go for a little bit afterwards.

I also noticed myself getting overwhelmed in the supermarket, there were just too many choices. I tried to be pretty quick but I swear it took me nearly 5 minutes to choose a peanut butter, comparing cost, ingredients, nutrient and source of manufacturing across 4 brands.